adiva_calandia: (Merry Fucking Christmas)
[personal profile] adiva_calandia
I hate Christmas music. I hate Christmas music. I hate Christmas music. I hate you, Christmas music.

I should clarify: You, Christmas music, you who plays incessantly in every airport and retailer, every bus terminal, every doctor's office, you, Christmas Muzak, you who are soothing and delightful and jolly and sparkly -- I hate you.

I hate your jazzy covers of hymns that remove any trace of spiritual feeling from the words and make them into a voice exercise. I hate your jazzy covers of secular songs that had some genuine delight in the season originally and now are nothing more than an excuse for some saxophone and horn and further voice exercises. You are not original; you are saying nothing new musically or lyrically; you are saying nothing.

I hate your playlist of six songs repeating over. And over. And over. And over.

I hate your agonizingly slow covers of secular songs. I would like to take every musician that has covered a song at 60 beats per minute and tie watches to their ears and instruments to their feet so they can understand how it feels to be dragging -- along -- at -- this -- pace. No -- your harmonica and electric guitar and walking blues line do not make "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" any better if every bar is ten seconds long.

If you must cover something, do it in a truly counter-intuitive way. Force us to listen. Intrigue us. No, your use of finger cymbals in "We Three Kings" to make it sound more Oriental is not what I'm talking about. And frankly, dude, do you really need to try and make that song sound more "Eastern"? How about doing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" in that style? Stop putting me to sleep. Stop it. There's a reason half my Christmas playlist involves either heavy metal guitar, or bagpipes, or ideally, both -- because I need something that loud and sonorous and crashing to hold my attention, because I have been lulled to sleep by you, Christmas music.

I don't want to be lulled. I am an adult; I am already less excited about this holiday than I was when I was a kid. I have to buy presents; I have to navigate two different airports to get home to see my family and my cat; I have to help take the decorations down when Christmas is over; I have had final exams and papers and all I want for Christmas is to sleep until noon and maybe replace my camera. I am stressed about this holiday, and I want to be delighted again. I want to be excited. I do not want to soothed into numbness by another song that was just released this month that I have heard every Christmas for the last ten years. I am tired of jingle bells, I am tired of jazz, I am tired of country, and God help me, I am even tired of striaght performances.

Give me something choral. Give me something fast. Give me something something I can headbang to. Give me something I have never heard before.

Please, Christmas music, I don't want to hate you anymore. I want an end to the hostilities. I'm willing to bargain: you stop assaulting my ears with bland, thoughtless, castrated music, and I'll let you play as much Bing Crosby as you want.

That's all I want for Christmas this year, Christmas music. I want you to snap out of it. I want you to snap me out of it. I want a joyful noise.




(Hi, I'm in O'Hare until six o'clock, my flight info isn't up on any boards yet, and I'm not sure where to find a working electric socket. But I'm here safe!)

Date: 2008-12-17 06:55 pm (UTC)
newredshoes: possum, "How embarrassing!" (the spirit of Christmas)
From: [personal profile] newredshoes
HI FROM DOWNTOWN.

Do you have your copy of "High Gear," Jon Spencer's ode to truckers on too much eggnog?

Date: 2008-12-17 07:04 pm (UTC)
newredshoes: possum, "How embarrassing!" (CONTRABAND.)
From: [personal profile] newredshoes
O'Hare fucking sucks. I had to get up there and back for three straight days for Creation Con, not to mention all the times I've gotten horribly lost there myself. I hate O'Hare lots; I fly out of Midway every chance I can.

La!

It is my favorite Christmas song. I have a feeling there are more at home, but that's the A+ number one anthem.

Date: 2008-12-17 07:00 pm (UTC)
gramarye1971: a meteor-sized plum pudding slamming into Earth, from a cover of The Economist (Pudding)
From: [personal profile] gramarye1971
Yes. This. All of it.

I have three 'safe' Christmas music CDs that I've listened to since I was small, recorded by a dulcimer-flute-harp trio from my hometown that does interesting things with the same old tunes -- such as blending both versions of 'Away in a Manger' and not being afraid to use more obscure carols and hymns like 'Carol of the Bagpipers', 'Baloo, Lammy', and 'On This Day Earth Shall Ring'. Those three CDs, plus a tiny bit of Trans-Siberian Orchestra and several straight-up choral/orchestral collections, get me through the season. Everything else can shove it.

Date: 2008-12-17 07:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ceph.livejournal.com
Aw. ::hugs:: You wanna go Christmas shopping this weekend and see if we can sing hymns loud enough to drown out the mall sound system?

And then I will steal your Christmas playlist. ::grin:: Bagpipes!

Date: 2008-12-17 07:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ceph.livejournal.com
I'm down for that. I may have to bring a lyrics reference for Muppet Christmas Carol. ::grin:: If all else fails we can just resort to Tom Lehrer. Christmastime is here, by golly, disapproval would be folly...

Date: 2008-12-17 07:09 pm (UTC)
sdelmonte: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sdelmonte
I'm with you. I'd be with you even if I weren't Jewish.

Date: 2008-12-17 07:23 pm (UTC)
newredshoes: possum, "How embarrassing!" (a gift I bring)
From: [personal profile] newredshoes
*chimes in* Loreena McKennitt does have a lovely song called "Snow," which I can also upload when I get home!

Date: 2008-12-17 07:33 pm (UTC)
sdelmonte: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sdelmonte
I really don't want anyone to playing Hanukkah songs either. Because then we get stuck with Adam Sandler.

Date: 2008-12-17 07:43 pm (UTC)
ext_27060: Sumer is icomen in; llude sing cucu! (Daughter of Eve)
From: [identity profile] rymenhild.livejournal.com
The impulse to put Hanukkah songs on the radio severely irritates me. It says, "Dear Jews, you don't have to feel left out in all this Christmas extravagance. You have a holiday that's just the same as Christmas! It has candlelight and rampant commercialism and... right, that's enough to make them the same holiday, isn't it? Let's add some neutered personality-less Hanukah songs to the radio playlist full of neutered personality-less Christmas songs!

"But we have to invent those songs, because there are only about three Hanukah songs that precede the twentieth century and most of them are Hebrew. We can't play Hebrew music on the radio, no one would understand it!* So we'll get Adam Sandler to produce something funny and inoffensive to the masses. We can therefore have all the credit for being multicultural and acknowledging multiple religions, while not having to do the hard work of figuring out what Hanukah's actually about."

*And it would be worse if people did understand the songs, because they're all about getting God to smite our enemies!

Date: 2008-12-18 12:04 am (UTC)
batyatoon: (festival of lights)
From: [personal profile] batyatoon
It's that time of year again. *digs out the manifesto*

Date: 2008-12-17 07:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mercuriazs.livejournal.com
D:




I like cheesy Christmas music. I made everybody Polka to "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas."
From: [identity profile] mercuriazs.livejournal.com
I HEARD IT IN THE CAR.

But I do live in Texas, which is where the song originated. And also I like Bing Crosby. >.>

Though to be fair, the only time I've really been around Christmas music in shops and stuff lately was when they played "A James Brown Christmas" at Rhino Records.

It rocked.
ext_27060: Sumer is icomen in; llude sing cucu! (Daughter of Eve)
From: [identity profile] rymenhild.livejournal.com
I hate how the universalized, secularized, awful Christmas Muzak says, "You should be feeling merry and jolly and full of jingling bells right now. Yes, you. I don't care that you're Jewish, or that you can't stand soft rock, or that you passionately loathe winter and can hardly wait for spring. You had better assimilate into the Happy Holidays Collective and have yourself that merry little Christmas right now. Or else. PS, buy Wal-Mart."

Which is to say, I agree with you completely. If Christmas music doesn't have that neutered, "All-American" pseudo-universal supposedly non-offensive saxophone line, I can stand it. A round of Good King Wenceslas done by traditional carolers in multipart harmony makes me happy... in fact, I'll enjoy almost any carol done in multipart harmony with British accents. Loreena McKennitt's Greensleeves, which actually shows traces of real emotion instead of sterile overproduction, is a thing of beauty. Great Big Sea has a version of Come and I Will Sing You that shows the band's actually having fun. (Also, it helps that the song isn't overplayed on radio.) The Cutty Wren is (a) totally pagan, (b) not at all American and (c) ignored by radio stations.

Date: 2008-12-17 07:42 pm (UTC)
walksbyherself: (artemis - goddess of lingerie)
From: [personal profile] walksbyherself
AHAHAHA OHARE AT CHRISTMAS--THE MEMORIIIIIIIIIIES!

(I feel your pain, dude.)

Also, let me find my one awesome Christmas song. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings by the Barenaked Ladies (with a side of Sarah Mac).

I lied. I have more awesome. Prelude, Carol of the Bells and The Holly and the Ivy by George Winston (all instrumental piano).

Date: 2008-12-17 07:55 pm (UTC)
walksbyherself: (milla - stars above)
From: [personal profile] walksbyherself
I'm like the awesome music fairy!

*flutters about with glitter*

Date: 2008-12-18 08:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mercuriazs.livejournal.com
That's like my favorite version of .... both those songs, really. Sorry Nat King Cole!

Sometimes Christmas seems to me like the time of year when we all try desperately to pretend we still live in the '50s.

Date: 2008-12-17 08:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daniidebrabant.livejournal.com
That's what Trans Siberian Orchestra is for.

Date: 2008-12-17 09:34 pm (UTC)
ext_27060: Sumer is icomen in; llude sing cucu! (Default)
From: [identity profile] rymenhild.livejournal.com
If we got the department stores playing it, it would sadly lose some of its awesome with overexposure.

Date: 2008-12-17 09:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fightingthecage.livejournal.com
I have eight albums of Broadway musical casts doing Christmas songs - traditional and modern and ones written just for them - I can give you if you like? I haven't listened to them yet but I am assured they are awesome. Can't go wrong with Broadway can you?

Date: 2008-12-18 12:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rimestock.livejournal.com
Ummm. My two favorite holiday-season songs – enough so that I can stand them all the rest of the year, even!!! – would be "Christmas" by Blues Traveler and "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" by Fall Out Boy.

Would you like? I don't know if you already have.

Date: 2008-12-18 03:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wicked-chaotic.livejournal.com
Is there a way to agree with this too much. Because, if so, I am so totally doing that right now. I just spent 8.5 hours in retail hell with the same 10-15 tracks of horribly overplayed Christmas music. So, yeeeah. UNDERSTOOD.

So very understood.

And since sharing is awesome - some selections from my 'Christmas Music That Doesn't Make Me Want to Kill Myself' folder! Hopefully something will strike your fancy.

Coldplay - 200 Miles, Meiko - Maybe Next Year, Great Lake Swimmers - Song for the Angels, Ingrid Michaelson - Winter Song, The Fray - Happy Christmas (War is Over), Snow Patrol - When I Get Home for Christmas, Brandi Carlile - The Heartache Can Wait, Jack Johnson - Someday at Christmas ... and, because it's there MXPX - Christmas Night of Zombies

Date: 2008-12-18 08:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ghost-light.livejournal.com
I am still, to this day, turned into a happy little kid whenever I hear "Little Saint Nick."

Even if it is the real version, I will still belt out "Run run reindeer!!' in my best Animal voice.

Sometimes even in public.

lonelydumptruck will vouch for me.

Date: 2008-12-18 08:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lonelydumptruck.livejournal.com
There is much about Christmas that makes me want to *kill*, and most of the organized/semi-mandatory events make me extra-grinchy.

Strangely, there's a lot of christmas music that I really love, and when I'm feeling low. hearing, humming, or singing music can really save me. As Jimmy Rabbite says in 'The Commitments': music can pull you up above the shite.

Merry Christmas, in no particular order: James Brown's Funky Christmas. Ringo Star's I am Santa Claus, the Vince Guaraldi trio's It's a Charlie Brown Christmas. The 1st Very Special Christmas (w/ cover art by Keith Harring - still alive when the album came out in 1990) especially the Run-DMC track, and Alison Moyet singing the Coventry Carol. Let it Snow. doesn't matter who's singing) I also like Baby it's cold outside, since every ones done it. Like Penn Gillette says, it's not the song, it's the singer. South Park Christmas, especially Mr. Mackey singing Carol of the Bells. Ding Dong M'Kay. and yes: Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing Little Drummer Boy. Bing Crosby signing White Christmas, and Silver Bells. That damned 'Mele Kalekemaka' song. The carols I sang with Jack Klauscie's Charater Workshop caroling operation.

Merry Christmas, every one.

Date: 2008-12-19 04:08 am (UTC)
ext_23631: Doodle of Beka nomming L's head, captioned "YOUR HEAD IN MY MOUTH!" (Default)
From: [identity profile] starletfallen.livejournal.com
One day, I will be a famous singer-slash-broadway-actress. Or at least moderately well-known. And I will make an album of Christmas songs. New ones and old ones covered in new and surprising ways. TOTES.

And I will dedicate it to you.

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