(no subject)
Dec. 17th, 2008 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I hate Christmas music. I hate Christmas music. I hate Christmas music. I hate you, Christmas music.
I should clarify: You, Christmas music, you who plays incessantly in every airport and retailer, every bus terminal, every doctor's office, you, Christmas Muzak, you who are soothing and delightful and jolly and sparkly -- I hate you.
I hate your jazzy covers of hymns that remove any trace of spiritual feeling from the words and make them into a voice exercise. I hate your jazzy covers of secular songs that had some genuine delight in the season originally and now are nothing more than an excuse for some saxophone and horn and further voice exercises. You are not original; you are saying nothing new musically or lyrically; you are saying nothing.
I hate your playlist of six songs repeating over. And over. And over. And over.
I hate your agonizingly slow covers of secular songs. I would like to take every musician that has covered a song at 60 beats per minute and tie watches to their ears and instruments to their feet so they can understand how it feels to be dragging -- along -- at -- this -- pace. No -- your harmonica and electric guitar and walking blues line do not make "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" any better if every bar is ten seconds long.
If you must cover something, do it in a truly counter-intuitive way. Force us to listen. Intrigue us. No, your use of finger cymbals in "We Three Kings" to make it sound more Oriental is not what I'm talking about. And frankly, dude, do you really need to try and make that song sound more "Eastern"? How about doing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" in that style? Stop putting me to sleep. Stop it. There's a reason half my Christmas playlist involves either heavy metal guitar, or bagpipes, or ideally, both -- because I need something that loud and sonorous and crashing to hold my attention, because I have been lulled to sleep by you, Christmas music.
I don't want to be lulled. I am an adult; I am already less excited about this holiday than I was when I was a kid. I have to buy presents; I have to navigate two different airports to get home to see my family and my cat; I have to help take the decorations down when Christmas is over; I have had final exams and papers and all I want for Christmas is to sleep until noon and maybe replace my camera. I am stressed about this holiday, and I want to be delighted again. I want to be excited. I do not want to soothed into numbness by another song that was just released this month that I have heard every Christmas for the last ten years. I am tired of jingle bells, I am tired of jazz, I am tired of country, and God help me, I am even tired of striaght performances.
Give me something choral. Give me something fast. Give me something something I can headbang to. Give me something I have never heard before.
Please, Christmas music, I don't want to hate you anymore. I want an end to the hostilities. I'm willing to bargain: you stop assaulting my ears with bland, thoughtless, castrated music, and I'll let you play as much Bing Crosby as you want.
That's all I want for Christmas this year, Christmas music. I want you to snap out of it. I want you to snap me out of it. I want a joyful noise.
(Hi, I'm in O'Hare until six o'clock, my flight info isn't up on any boards yet, and I'm not sure where to find a working electric socket. But I'm here safe!)
I should clarify: You, Christmas music, you who plays incessantly in every airport and retailer, every bus terminal, every doctor's office, you, Christmas Muzak, you who are soothing and delightful and jolly and sparkly -- I hate you.
I hate your jazzy covers of hymns that remove any trace of spiritual feeling from the words and make them into a voice exercise. I hate your jazzy covers of secular songs that had some genuine delight in the season originally and now are nothing more than an excuse for some saxophone and horn and further voice exercises. You are not original; you are saying nothing new musically or lyrically; you are saying nothing.
I hate your playlist of six songs repeating over. And over. And over. And over.
I hate your agonizingly slow covers of secular songs. I would like to take every musician that has covered a song at 60 beats per minute and tie watches to their ears and instruments to their feet so they can understand how it feels to be dragging -- along -- at -- this -- pace. No -- your harmonica and electric guitar and walking blues line do not make "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" any better if every bar is ten seconds long.
If you must cover something, do it in a truly counter-intuitive way. Force us to listen. Intrigue us. No, your use of finger cymbals in "We Three Kings" to make it sound more Oriental is not what I'm talking about. And frankly, dude, do you really need to try and make that song sound more "Eastern"? How about doing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" in that style? Stop putting me to sleep. Stop it. There's a reason half my Christmas playlist involves either heavy metal guitar, or bagpipes, or ideally, both -- because I need something that loud and sonorous and crashing to hold my attention, because I have been lulled to sleep by you, Christmas music.
I don't want to be lulled. I am an adult; I am already less excited about this holiday than I was when I was a kid. I have to buy presents; I have to navigate two different airports to get home to see my family and my cat; I have to help take the decorations down when Christmas is over; I have had final exams and papers and all I want for Christmas is to sleep until noon and maybe replace my camera. I am stressed about this holiday, and I want to be delighted again. I want to be excited. I do not want to soothed into numbness by another song that was just released this month that I have heard every Christmas for the last ten years. I am tired of jingle bells, I am tired of jazz, I am tired of country, and God help me, I am even tired of striaght performances.
Give me something choral. Give me something fast. Give me something something I can headbang to. Give me something I have never heard before.
Please, Christmas music, I don't want to hate you anymore. I want an end to the hostilities. I'm willing to bargain: you stop assaulting my ears with bland, thoughtless, castrated music, and I'll let you play as much Bing Crosby as you want.
That's all I want for Christmas this year, Christmas music. I want you to snap out of it. I want you to snap me out of it. I want a joyful noise.
(Hi, I'm in O'Hare until six o'clock, my flight info isn't up on any boards yet, and I'm not sure where to find a working electric socket. But I'm here safe!)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 06:55 pm (UTC)Do you have your copy of "High Gear," Jon Spencer's ode to truckers on too much eggnog?
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Date: 2008-12-17 06:57 pm (UTC)Your airport needs better signage. :( *spent a slightly panicked fifteen minutes or so trying to find Terminal 3* However, lots of good food and minimally obnoxious WiFi, so.
!!! I do not think I do.
See, if the boys did covers of all these songs? All over that shit.
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:04 pm (UTC)La!
It is my favorite Christmas song. I have a feeling there are more at home, but that's the A+ number one anthem.
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:00 pm (UTC)I have three 'safe' Christmas music CDs that I've listened to since I was small, recorded by a dulcimer-flute-harp trio from my hometown that does interesting things with the same old tunes -- such as blending both versions of 'Away in a Manger' and not being afraid to use more obscure carols and hymns like 'Carol of the Bagpipers', 'Baloo, Lammy', and 'On This Day Earth Shall Ring'. Those three CDs, plus a tiny bit of Trans-Siberian Orchestra and several straight-up choral/orchestral collections, get me through the season. Everything else can shove it.
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:05 pm (UTC)Oooh. Those sound lovely! Especially the obscure songs. I approve.
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:01 pm (UTC)And then I will steal your Christmas playlist. ::grin:: Bagpipes!
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:13 pm (UTC)And DUDE. This is part of my annoyance. I don't know where I fall on the whole "War on Christmas" thing (though mostly I fall on the side of "All of you are insane") but surely we can have a few songs that recognize the existence of other religious holidays? Or a few more secular songs that are genuinely secular and are about, I don't know, snow and light in darkness and okay, basically Vienna Teng's "Atheist's Christmas Carol," which may as well be called just "Winter Carol," which is why I love it.
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:55 pm (UTC)Someone on my f-list linked to a plushy Cthulhu Christmas wreath that was fairly terrifying.
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:43 pm (UTC)"But we have to invent those songs, because there are only about three Hanukah songs that precede the twentieth century and most of them are Hebrew. We can't play Hebrew music on the radio, no one would understand it!* So we'll get Adam Sandler to produce something funny and inoffensive to the masses. We can therefore have all the credit for being multicultural and acknowledging multiple religions, while not having to do the hard work of figuring out what Hanukah's actually about."
*And it would be worse if people did understand the songs, because they're all about getting God to smite our enemies!
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Date: 2008-12-18 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:24 pm (UTC)I like cheesy Christmas music. I made everybody Polka to "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas."
Re: This comment would be shorter if I just said "Word."
Date: 2008-12-17 07:53 pm (UTC)Re: This comment would be shorter if I just said "Word."
Date: 2008-12-18 08:39 pm (UTC)But I do live in Texas, which is where the song originated. And also I like Bing Crosby. >.>
Though to be fair, the only time I've really been around Christmas music in shops and stuff lately was when they played "A James Brown Christmas" at Rhino Records.
It rocked.
This comment would be shorter if I just said "Word."
Date: 2008-12-17 07:33 pm (UTC)Which is to say, I agree with you completely. If Christmas music doesn't have that neutered, "All-American" pseudo-universal supposedly non-offensive saxophone line, I can stand it. A round of Good King Wenceslas done by traditional carolers in multipart harmony makes me happy... in fact, I'll enjoy almost any carol done in multipart harmony with British accents. Loreena McKennitt's Greensleeves, which actually shows traces of real emotion instead of sterile overproduction, is a thing of beauty. Great Big Sea has a version of Come and I Will Sing You that shows the band's actually having fun. (Also, it helps that the song isn't overplayed on radio.) The Cutty Wren is (a) totally pagan, (b) not at all American and (c) ignored by radio stations.
Re: This comment would be shorter if I just said "Word."
Date: 2008-12-17 07:56 pm (UTC)Dude, make it choral and I will listen. I've always had a thing for people singing in large groups.
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:42 pm (UTC)(I feel your pain, dude.)
Also, let me find my one awesome Christmas song. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and We Three Kings by the Barenaked Ladies (with a side of Sarah Mac).
I lied. I have more awesome. Prelude, Carol of the Bells and The Holly and the Ivy by George Winston (all instrumental piano).
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Date: 2008-12-17 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 07:55 pm (UTC)*flutters about with glitter*
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Date: 2008-12-18 08:41 pm (UTC)Sometimes Christmas seems to me like the time of year when we all try desperately to pretend we still live in the '50s.
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Date: 2008-12-17 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 09:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-17 09:41 pm (UTC)*logic!**
*Disclaimer: The management assumes no responsibility for logic affected by nearly five hours in an airport and too little sleep last night.
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Date: 2008-12-17 09:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-18 12:42 am (UTC)Would you like? I don't know if you already have.
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Date: 2008-12-18 03:53 am (UTC)So very understood.
And since sharing is awesome - some selections from my 'Christmas Music That Doesn't Make Me Want to Kill Myself' folder! Hopefully something will strike your fancy.
Coldplay - 200 Miles, Meiko - Maybe Next Year, Great Lake Swimmers - Song for the Angels, Ingrid Michaelson - Winter Song, The Fray - Happy Christmas (War is Over), Snow Patrol - When I Get Home for Christmas, Brandi Carlile - The Heartache Can Wait, Jack Johnson - Someday at Christmas ... and, because it's there MXPX - Christmas Night of Zombies
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Date: 2008-12-18 08:27 am (UTC)Even if it is the real version, I will still belt out "Run run reindeer!!' in my best Animal voice.
Sometimes even in public.
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Date: 2008-12-18 08:36 am (UTC)Strangely, there's a lot of christmas music that I really love, and when I'm feeling low. hearing, humming, or singing music can really save me. As Jimmy Rabbite says in 'The Commitments': music can pull you up above the shite.
Merry Christmas, in no particular order: James Brown's Funky Christmas. Ringo Star's I am Santa Claus, the Vince Guaraldi trio's It's a Charlie Brown Christmas. The 1st Very Special Christmas (w/ cover art by Keith Harring - still alive when the album came out in 1990) especially the Run-DMC track, and Alison Moyet singing the Coventry Carol. Let it Snow. doesn't matter who's singing) I also like Baby it's cold outside, since every ones done it. Like Penn Gillette says, it's not the song, it's the singer. South Park Christmas, especially Mr. Mackey singing Carol of the Bells. Ding Dong M'Kay. and yes: Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing Little Drummer Boy. Bing Crosby signing White Christmas, and Silver Bells. That damned 'Mele Kalekemaka' song. The carols I sang with Jack Klauscie's Charater Workshop caroling operation.
Merry Christmas, every one.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-19 04:08 am (UTC)And I will dedicate it to you.