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Apr. 27th, 2007 08:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adiva_calandiaThis was going to be a post flailing and laughing hysterically about
"Shadow," and analyzing "The Benders" as compared to "Countrycide," and
wibbling about Perrin's return to Emond's Field, and flailing about the Aiel
and Rhuidean.
And now it's . . . now it's going to be a post about me not knowing stuff.
It may still be about those things, too, but . . .
My grandmother broke her hip a few days ago, and isn't doing well at all
now.
I honestly have no idea what I feel about this. Blank, mostly -- but then I
choked up on the way to school -- but now I'm blank again. I don't even know
how I feel about my grandmother a lot of the time, but right now I feel
obliged to feel something positive, something sad about her. After all,
she's my grandmother.
But feelings aren't generally very subject to obligations.
Mom, in her typical fashion, is calling her sibs and finding things out,
matter-of-factly. When I asked her how she was, she sighed and said she
would be fine. I don't know what I can do for her. That's what's hardest.
Try to make her not have to worry about me, I guess -- do my chores and
whatnot. She'll be going down to Michigan soon to visit her mother, and
she'd like me and Dad to come to the funeral, whenever that might be. Of
course, if I'm performing or graduating, which seems like a distinct
possibility, I won't be able to do that.
Which might be a relief. I don't know. I just flat out don't know.
And I don't know how this is going to change things. All my life, we've been
visiting Grandma in Michigan, staying in her house. I know that house as
well as our own, I know which stairs creak, I know how the doors snap. When
she's gone, all of that will change, somehow. But I don't know how.
I wish there were some small measure of predictability to this. Of course,
if it were predictable, it wouldn't be a true White family enterprise.
Maybe there'll be canon flailing later, in a separate post. In the meantime
. . . I'm doing okay, mostly. I'll keep you posted. For now, I have Billy
Collins poetry to draw on, and maybe that'll lift my spirits a little.
"Shadow," and analyzing "The Benders" as compared to "Countrycide," and
wibbling about Perrin's return to Emond's Field, and flailing about the Aiel
and Rhuidean.
And now it's . . . now it's going to be a post about me not knowing stuff.
It may still be about those things, too, but . . .
My grandmother broke her hip a few days ago, and isn't doing well at all
now.
I honestly have no idea what I feel about this. Blank, mostly -- but then I
choked up on the way to school -- but now I'm blank again. I don't even know
how I feel about my grandmother a lot of the time, but right now I feel
obliged to feel something positive, something sad about her. After all,
she's my grandmother.
But feelings aren't generally very subject to obligations.
Mom, in her typical fashion, is calling her sibs and finding things out,
matter-of-factly. When I asked her how she was, she sighed and said she
would be fine. I don't know what I can do for her. That's what's hardest.
Try to make her not have to worry about me, I guess -- do my chores and
whatnot. She'll be going down to Michigan soon to visit her mother, and
she'd like me and Dad to come to the funeral, whenever that might be. Of
course, if I'm performing or graduating, which seems like a distinct
possibility, I won't be able to do that.
Which might be a relief. I don't know. I just flat out don't know.
And I don't know how this is going to change things. All my life, we've been
visiting Grandma in Michigan, staying in her house. I know that house as
well as our own, I know which stairs creak, I know how the doors snap. When
she's gone, all of that will change, somehow. But I don't know how.
I wish there were some small measure of predictability to this. Of course,
if it were predictable, it wouldn't be a true White family enterprise.
Maybe there'll be canon flailing later, in a separate post. In the meantime
. . . I'm doing okay, mostly. I'll keep you posted. For now, I have Billy
Collins poetry to draw on, and maybe that'll lift my spirits a little.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-27 04:51 pm (UTC)Speaking as somebody who's been there -- you shouldn't feel a sense of obligation about not knowing what to think, or feeling blank about this. And you're right -- one of the most helpful things you can do for your mom right now is give her one less thing to worry about.
Things changing sucks in general, and this situation sucks in particular. *hugs more* Sending plenty of good thoughts in y'all's direction.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-27 05:21 pm (UTC)And I'm sorry, hon. It's a hard and confusing situation, even more so for being unexpected.
Here with tea and love to share, and if there's anything I/we all can do for you, just say the word.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-27 05:30 pm (UTC)Being there for your mom and giving her one less thing to fret about is, as Sweeney says, a very helpful thing to do. Even if it doesn't feel like it. It's still a help and a load off her mind.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2007-04-27 05:44 pm (UTC)Yeah, the hip-breaking thing, it's hard.
I'm sorry that this is something you and your family have to deal with.
But everyone else on here has offered sensible advice, so I'll just say this.
If you need to talk, I'm around.
*sends love and luck*
no subject
Date: 2007-04-27 05:52 pm (UTC)It is hard. And I think we've all been there - the 'I should feel something, but I don't know what' - and that's okay.
But like Sweeney and Gen said, you are helping. By doing your best.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-28 03:13 am (UTC)You've got the right idea to start with. If matters change at all, do let us know. And I'll certainly be sending good thoughts your way tonight.