I hate Christmas music. I hate Christmas music. I hate Christmas music. I hate you, Christmas music.
I should clarify: You, Christmas music, you who plays incessantly in every airport and retailer, every bus terminal, every doctor's office, you, Christmas Muzak, you who are soothing and delightful and jolly and sparkly -- I hate you.
I hate your jazzy covers of hymns that remove any trace of spiritual feeling from the words and make them into a voice exercise. I hate your jazzy covers of secular songs that had some genuine delight in the season originally and now are nothing more than an excuse for some saxophone and horn and further voice exercises. You are not original; you are saying nothing new musically or lyrically; you are saying nothing.
I hate your playlist of six songs repeating over. And over. And over. And over.
I hate your agonizingly slow covers of secular songs. I would like to take every musician that has covered a song at 60 beats per minute and tie watches to their ears and instruments to their feet so they can understand how it feels to be dragging -- along -- at -- this -- pace. No -- your harmonica and electric guitar and walking blues line do not make "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" any better if every bar is ten seconds long.
If you must cover something, do it in a truly counter-intuitive way. Force us to listen. Intrigue us. No, your use of finger cymbals in "We Three Kings" to make it sound more Oriental is not what I'm talking about. And frankly, dude, do you really need to try and make that song sound more "Eastern"? How about doing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" in that style? Stop putting me to sleep. Stop it. There's a reason half my Christmas playlist involves either heavy metal guitar, or bagpipes, or ideally, both -- because I need something that loud and sonorous and crashing to hold my attention, because I have been lulled to sleep by you, Christmas music.
I don't want to be lulled. I am an adult; I am already less excited about this holiday than I was when I was a kid. I have to buy presents; I have to navigate two different airports to get home to see my family and my cat; I have to help take the decorations down when Christmas is over; I have had final exams and papers and all I want for Christmas is to sleep until noon and maybe replace my camera. I am stressed about this holiday, and I want to be delighted again. I want to be excited. I do not want to soothed into numbness by another song that was just released this month that I have heard every Christmas for the last ten years. I am tired of jingle bells, I am tired of jazz, I am tired of country, and God help me, I am even tired of striaght performances.
Give me something choral. Give me something fast. Give me something something I can headbang to. Give me something I have never heard before.
Please, Christmas music, I don't want to hate you anymore. I want an end to the hostilities. I'm willing to bargain: you stop assaulting my ears with bland, thoughtless, castrated music, and I'll let you play as much Bing Crosby as you want.
That's all I want for Christmas this year, Christmas music. I want you to snap out of it. I want you to snap me out of it. I want a joyful noise.
(Hi, I'm in O'Hare until six o'clock, my flight info isn't up on any boards yet, and I'm not sure where to find a working electric socket. But I'm here safe!)
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